Angels and Demons (and the things in between)
by SaturnXK
Summary: Little moments in a year where Levi tries to fix something that's been crushed beyond repair. He's picking up the pieces, desperately sewing up the scraps that have been left behind because time is running out and a monster is wearing Eren's skin . – Levi/Eren. AU. Oneshot.


"um an au where eren has self-worth issues? where he's upset he's not going fast enough because sonikku? i don't knOW ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm what do you want to write like do you have anything in mind like some sort of angsty thing or some sort of "fuck my life" thing or"

thank you for the beautifully written prompt, Ciel ;)

warnings: idk… it's really sad?

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"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." – Albert Einstein

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Levi and his roommate spend most of their time together in silence. It stretches from one end of the room to the other, a blanket that comforts them, because when one talks, that's a sign that something is wrong.

He can't really say much about his roommate, just that his name is Eren and he's twenty-one and he's studying law (_was_ studying law) and his girlfriend had broken up with him approximately six months ago and that there's this perpetual sadness about him that makes it unbearably hard to hold conversation, because when it happens Eren looks terrible and Levi just wants to lift up a brush and paint away the dark bags under his eyes and smooth the wrinkled forehead and perhaps sketch a smile over those downturned lips.

Eren Jaeger is a walking skeleton, a bag of drying flesh ready to be buried and forgotten. He's a ghost that tiptoes around the apartment, and Levi is his earthly anchor.

Eren talks a lot when he's drunk. And he's drunk a lot of the time.

"I watched my mother die," Eren says one rainy Thursday afternoon. Levi sits on his bed and stares. Eren's eyes are shadowed, an empty bottle clutched in his fingers like a lifeline. His whole frame drags down, bones filled with crystalized pain and salt tears that never found an escape. "I watched my dad blow her head off, before he looked at me and pulled the trigger again with the barrel against his own skull."

Levi says nothing. He stands up, strides over three steps that measure a million light years. Gently pries the long piano fingers away from the glass and goes off to the kitchen.

"Let's go out to eat tomorrow night," Levi says quietly. Eren doesn't answer.

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(They don't end up eating out. Levi receives a new assignment that forces him to stay up all night to get started. Instead, he orders pizza with extra meat and a puffed crust, and he and Eren sit together on the plaid couch watching old reruns of _Dragon Ball_. He watches the way Eren stares at the screen, green eyes following each move with an intensity he'd never witnessed before. And when it's nearing two in the morning, Levi stands up and cracks his joints and ruffles Eren's hair with the back of his hand, before going off to wash the oil from his fingers. The assignment lays forgotten in his bag.)

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"Let's go for a walk."

Levi wants to take Eren out. He wants to take him out to see the world. To feel drops of sun on his skin, to let the wind kiss his face, to smell the grass and hear a coffee machine whirr and watch as the first stars burst softly into existence.

"Come on."

Eren pulls his feet out the door, phantom chains wrapped around his ankles. Out in the evening glow, his eyes are empty coffins just waiting for the body to be lowered in.

There is something strange about the way the setting sun casts a long shadow over his face.

Eren isn't beautiful, Levi realises. This agony that soaks through his skin and surrounds his aura isn't beautiful. It's painful to see and excruciating to be around. It's soul-shattering and a feast for the inner demons. It's wrong, because someone like Eren isn't supposed to be like this. Someone like Eren isn't supposed to be a sad corpse of himself.

(And inwardly, Levi wonders what Eren is _supposed _to be, because they aren't really friends, but not really strangers either.)

They only walk a block away from their apartment towards the local park. Eren slows to a stop, one foot in the air before it settles down onto the blades of green beneath.

And without warning, Eren sinks and plants himself in the middle of the emerald sea and spreads-eagle, before a small puff emits from his lips.

"It's nice here," Eren mumbles. A smile hovers at his lips, and Levi thinks that it's a lovely thing to see.

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Sometimes, though, things just don't work. Eren doesn't respond to his gentle prods, tipped with a concern that only someone like him would have. Sometimes, Eren has had enough. Sometimes, Eren snaps.

"Maybe you should do some work," Levi suggests, "go back to university or something." His voice has never been raised above a murmur. With Eren there is no need to.

He finds the man (he's really still just a boy) curled up on his bed with ironclad nails digging into his skin like the claws of a desperate survivor suspended on the rope that hangs between the tip and the abyss.

Eren rolls over slowly, and Levi swallows when he sees the glaring emptiness that fills his eyes.

"My best friend died two years ago today," is all Eren says. "I guess people just like leaving me, don't you reckon?"

He can almost hear the clicking of Eren's puppet mouth.

"I could have saved him."

Eren heaves a breath that sounds like its been hauled through a bed of knives.

"He was depressed, I think. But I was selfish and I couldn't see it."

Levi doesn't move, keeps hold of the grocery bag he's been holding ever since he got home.

"Jumped off a building. Police said it was suicide. Case closed. Me? I was just left staring at the bloody remains of what used to be considered human."

It's been four months since they started talking. Eren shows no change. Levi isn't sure of what to do anymore.

"It's not your fault."

"It is. He looked straight at me and said goodbye. I watched him step off."

"It's not your fault."

"It is."

"It's not your fault."

Eren is scraping at the last remains of his sanity. He's a ticking time bomb, and the detonation is near.

"It's not your fault."

And then Levi sees a terrible fire burn in Eren's eyes. He stumbles to his feet, drunk on rage and grief and regret that twist like daggers in his chest.

"Just shut up." The voice that wrangles out isn't Eren's. It's a monster wearing his skin, filled to the brim with an aching loss that refuses to go away. "You don't understand!"

"Eren, calm down–"

"I told you to _shut up_! God, _everyone _says that! Like a fucking parrot! _It's not your fault, Eren. Honey, stop blaming yourself_. It is _my _fault and I don't understand why couldn't _I _have died instead of my mother why couldn't _I _have died instead of my best friend in the whole of the fucking world why wasn't it _me_ I'm not needed on this fucking planet I. Want. To. _Die_–"

Levi isn't really aware he's moving until he's in front of Eren and a steel fist is flying across Eren's jaw and he hears something crack but he's just so _infuriated _and _scared_–

"Never. Ever. Say _anything _like that again."

Levi wishes that his voice didn't shake. But it did. He isn't sure of what he looks like now, but inside there's a bubbling lava pit of something like panic in his stomach.

"You aren't going to fucking leave me, you hear," Levi snarls. "How _dare_ you take life so carelessly. How _dare _you say this shit. How _dare_ you."

Eren is panting, in shock, confused at Levi's explosive reaction.

But he doesn't know, Levi reminds himself, and he will never know.

Levi turns away and tucks the dark, chilling secret deep, deep down within his being.

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One day Levi makes Eren a cup of tea. He watches as Eren takes a sip, and a small light of wonder shines across his entire body.

"It's delicious," Eren says.

"Haven't you ever tasted milk tea before?" Levi asks, bemused.

"Not like this."

Eren smiles genuinely for the first time, and Levi can confidently say it's the most precious thing he has ever seen. There are slight wrinkles under his eyes, teeth are revealed, cheeks lift. His heart skips a beat and a knot of something warm and fuzzy rolls in his chest. Levi tries to ignore the feeling, basking in the success of Eren's show of happiness.

_Finally_.

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It's been seven months since they started talking. One month since Eren has started to smile.

On a sunny Friday afternoon at exactly four o'clock, Levi pushes open the front door to smell something peculiar.

He peeks into the kitchen and is met with a view of Eren's back as he helplessly tries to flip an egg on the pan.

"I'm home."

Eren jumps about a metre or so in the air. He spins around, a surprised expression dancing across his face like an exquisite splash of colour.

"Levi!" Eren yelps. He says his name clumsily, unused to it, and Levi finds himself repeating it over and over in his head. "You're back. I, uh, wanted to make you some food."

Eren fumbles and manages to place a bowl of rice, soy sauce and yolky egg in front of him. It's nothing, the simplest meal that can be made, but Levi sits down and takes a huge bite and nods his approval.

The resulting pride that beams from Eren is so bright it hurts. And when Eren returns back to the kitchen to clear up his mess, Levi tries to gulp down the lump in his throat and blinks back the prickling feeling that engulfs his eyes because _he's come so far._

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Something warm nuzzles his side and Levi groans and digs his face into his pillow, willing for whatever it is to go away. The poking fingers give up, and Levi is just starting to relax, before his bed dips and something that smells like oranges and mint invades his nose.

"Eren?" Levi crackles.

Eren says nothing, just burrows himself deeper into his side and pulls the blanket over his head so that only a tuft of brown hair is visible.

The bed is really too small to fit both of them, but Levi simply blinks down sleepily at the boy for a second or two, before wrapping an arm around his shoulders and closing his eyes once more.

This happens in the ninth month.

We're almost there.

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It's early October, and Levi has rushed to the bathroom. Eren has gone off to attend university classes for the first time in over fourteen months. Levi is dozing off on the couch.

And then his chest contracts and Levi is up and sprinting down to the bathroom before something spills up his esophagus and he vomits out a pool of blood.

Gasping, Levi stares at the blood (_his_ blood) and something tugs in his chest and he's thinking, _Oh my God oh my God oh my God it's back_.

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He's fading away, but he's trying so hard to ground himself. He listens attentively when Eren rattles on about his day, because there is nothing more breathtaking than hearing the joy in his voice. Eren talks a lot more now, and Levi remains just as quiet. His lips curve up and he 'mm-hm's in agreement and he presses a hand around Eren's waist. And he leans his head into Eren's broad shoulder blades, no longer as jutting as before, and closes his eyes and inhales oranges and mint and thinks that he would like to stay in this moment forever.

But, really, life is sadistic and a tad bit fucked up. Not everyone gets the happy ending.

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Today, Eren arrives home with a small flower he buys at the shops. Today, he arrives home to find Levi choking on red liquid and wheezing for air. Today, reality crashes down again and splinters apart the haven they created.

Shaking fingers press three digits and the phone rings and rings for far too long while his whole universe is dying on the floor.

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That night, the world is silent as the cries of a twenty-one (almost twenty-two) year old man (no, no he's just a boy) echo down freezing hospital walls. And reassuring whispers are stroked into his hair because _it's alright, it's alright, you'll be fine without me_.

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Eren stays at the hospital for two weeks and barely goes back to the apartment. Levi gets angry and tells him to take care of himself. Eren gets angry as well. They both get angry at each other.

It ends with tight hugs and small, sad murmurs of 'I love you' and 'I love you too.'

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Levi refuses chemotherapy.

_I'm going to die anyway, why should I prolong it so painfully?_

His lips stretch. _This is why I got so mad when you said you wanted to die. Do you remember? You must always cherish life, Eren, because it's the only one you have._

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Every day, Eren arrives with chrysanthemums and a new story to read. Levi listens because listening to him is the thing he loves most.

"Some people recover," Eren says one day. He holds Levi's gaze. "Some people recover through pure will, like almost magically, and the doctors can't explain it."

"I don't believe in magic," Levi huffs, rolling his eyes.

"Well, the doctors can find a cure; it'll be just a quick injection of the needle, and you'll be fine again," Eren goes on. Levi hums and settles himself into the crook of Eren's arm. "Then we can go to the beach because you've never been and I find that quite sad, and also watch that new movie's that's coming out soon. Maybe we'll even visit Italy; isn't that what you've always wanted?"

Eren glances down and sees the steady rise and fall of Levi's chest. He presses his nose into the older man's hair and hugs him close and doesn't let go.

The rest of the year passes in a similar manner.

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In his final days, mid-December, Levi is too sick to even get out of bed. His skin is pasty and bluish, tubes cling to his arms like poisonous snakes and his breaths rattle and whistle like death.

He spends most of his time drifting in and out of consciousness, but Eren's face is always there to greet him when he wakes.

_You're really beautiful_, Levi wants to say. It's on his tongue, the words heavy and clunky, because he doesn't say things like this. But Eren's eyes look suspiciously shiny, and Eren says, _Don't be cheesy, you stupid bastard_, and Levi smiles because he doesn't remember saying anything, or maybe he did and he's too far gone to remember.

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Levi dies quietly at three in the morning on the twenty-eighth, just a few days before New Year's. Eren is there and follows his chest as it rises up, then down, then up, then down again, and doesn't move.

Eren sits at the bed for a long, long time, just holding onto a freezing hand as the nurses try to talk and the earth keeps spinning and Levi still hasn't woken up.

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Fin.

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author's note:

that was cruel, wasn't it.

/is sort of sorry but not really

haha.

explanation and things to keep in mind: ahem. eren in this story has a number of mental problems, including depression and PTSD, with survivor's guilt being a large factor. levi and eren were, at the beginning, like idk new roommates together. this story takes place over the course of one year, and because this deals quite heavily in mental issues, let me just say that in reality, for each person suffering from these things, their recovery times will all be different and it all really depends on the people in their life and so on. eren's been suffering for perhaps two years, three years max, seen a therapist for maybe one/one and half years before giving up, and then levi come and nudges him along. we see eren getting better, and it's only been a year, but before you give me stuff about how it takes wAY LONGER THAN A YEAR FOR RECOVERY it really depends on the person alright. eren's a strong person; we've seen that in snk canon. i mean, he channels the grief he feels over watching his mother die into hatred for titans. though it's debatable whether or not that's truly healthy, he doesn't fall into depression, which i think is a massive achievement in itself.

levi died from cancer.

and chrysanthemums represent life, joy and optimism, and the Japanese consider it the symbol of the sun. sources contradict each other, so idk how true this is.

finally, this fic's core message is that to all the people who pretend to be depressed for attention and whatnot: **depression is not beautiful. hating yourself is not beautiful. someone will not find your disturbingly low self-esteem tragically beautiful. tragic, maybe, but not beautiful. it harms you mentally, it's very, very sad, and these types of things should never be glorified.**

thanks for reading. this probably made your day sad. i'm sorry.


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